A Blonde in a flight !

A Plane is on its way t o Chandigarh, when Gurpreet in Economy Class gets
up, and moves to the First Class section and sits down. .The flight
attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket she then tells
Gurpreet,that she paid for economy class,and that she will have to sit
in the back.

Gurpreet replies,"I’m Blonde,I ’m beautiful,I ’m going to Chandigarh
and I’m staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a Blonde sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Gurpreet and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
Gurpreet replies,"I’m Blonde,I’m beautiful,I’m going to Chandigarh
and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot
The pilot says,"You say she is a Blonde?I'll handle this;I am married
to a Blonde.I speak Girly Blonde language."

He goes back to Gurpreet and whispers in her ear,and she says,
"Oh,I’m sorry."
and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her,
"First Class is Not Going to Chandigarh.".

Engineers ! Excuse me !

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber. He again refuses to take the money.

The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......

A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

Ten men and a woman !

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, as

otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping. .

The magical watch with 128 bit processor !

 There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport  terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The  gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his  watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

 He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a  smile!

 The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

 He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

 "It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

 The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

 The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

 The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch.

How to Kill a Lion !

How to Kill a Lion !

Cognizant Method:

hire a lion… ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

give him 65 gobi to eat again and again.

hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

however give them the same amount  65 gobi to eat

hire 200 more……. and more …….

TCS Method:

hire a lion

give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM’s method:

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour …

he dies of unemployment…

Syntel Method:-

Hire a Cat …

assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and

make sure that he never reaches onsite.

Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion….

MBT Method:

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn’t score 60% he will lose the job.

lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex Method:

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari

for implementing Flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes

alive he will get band movement (promotion)

holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

hire a lion .

tell him to merge with goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance…

lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat….

Polaris Method :

hire ..sorry….purchase a lion(COSL) ..

change his timings…(instead of 9 AM …change it to 8:30 AM )

cut down his allowance (coupons etc)

lion dies from fear of becoming CAT…..

Capgemini Method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat…

the lion dies before joining….

Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,

give him a mail Id.

he will die recieving stupid mails all day……..!!!!

HUAWEI Method:

Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion…

Give him work of 3 Lions

Tell him to work late and even on weekends…

No time for food and family, automatically die

Accenture Method:

Hire a lion….

Take his CAMS assignment 2 times a year followed by Performance appraisals.

Ask him for lots of My Leanings on line …

Send him to Chennai/HYD/BLG;but yes don’t give him/her his/her home town.

Ask him to stay on bench for a long time or Give him/her projects .

No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls Only Attitude of HR girls.

And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".

Lion dies in confusion iif he is aTiger or lion……

The Last But Not The Least 

Infosys Method:

Hire a lion…..

Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like

…………………………………………….king of the jungle! J

Make him take generic compeer exam …lion turns into cat

Make him take stream compeer exam …cat turns into a mouse

Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he learned in training

….mouse runs here and there for help!!!

Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications ……….mouse commits suicide… :-) :-)  :-)

Same to same !

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

The Absent Minded Professor !

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.

 

That morning, one of his students asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.

 

Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."

 

In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he searches in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but of course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and then stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.

 

"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"

 

"Sure, dad," said the boy.

That is confidence !

That is confidence !

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala,Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!

How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm call ing from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surro unded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

Opening day gift !

Opening day gift !

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their 

teacher.

The supermarket manager' s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist' s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty  box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little 

a bit

АавтТажShe touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and

 tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne? "

"No," said the little boy......... ....

"It's a puppy!"

The important driver !

 

Many years ago, the Pope decided to visit New York. 

He is of course provided with a beautiful car and a dedicated driver to take him wherever he wishes to go. 

When the Pope sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course, anything!"

"Would you mind if I drove a little?" Asked the pope,
"I never get to and I'd really like to once again drive a little for myself."

The driver got scared, what if he let the pope get into an accident, but he couldn't say no to the pope, and so the pope took the wheel... and immediately started to speed up like a maniac!

After going 100 mph in a 45mph zone, a police car zooms in next to them and they are requested to stop. The police officer walks slowly to their car, looks at the window for a moment, and then quickly steps back to his car.

His sergeant got this call:

Cop: "Sir, I have a problem."

Sergeant: "What kind of problem?"

Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important."

Sergeant: "Important like the mayor?"

Cop: "No, no, a lot more important than that."

 

Sergeant: "Important like the governor?"

Cop: "Way more important than that."

Sergeant: "Important like the president??"

Cop: "Much more important."

Sergeant: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

A Jewish Salesman !

A  Jewish Salesman selling ties !

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. 

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. 

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?" 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." 

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!” 

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5." 

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!" 

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace." 

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill. 

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, 

"They won't let me in without a tie!”

Every problem has a solution !

A pilot was transporting a bunch of mad women from mumbai to a psychiatric facility in agra.

The mad women were making noise.
So, one of them entered the Pilot's Cabin;

MAD WOMAN: Teach me how to fly a plane!

PILOT: I would, but under one condition.

MAD WOMAN: What?

PILOT: If you can get your colleagues to keep quiet.
(5 minutes later, the plane was very quiet!
PILOT: Wow!! How did you get them to keep quiet?

MAD WOMAN: I opened the door and asked them to go play outside!!

 

It is a deal !

Bargaining.....

A Sindhi phones to a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"Rs850 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"Rs850!!! Don't you have anything cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"What about, if you just don't use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock Rs150 off.

"What about if you just use one of your dentist trainees and still  without anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the  price could drop to Rs400".

"How about if you make it a training' session, and one of your students  do the extraction while the other students watch and learn?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. " and

  it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you Rs50”.

"Now you‘re talking ! It's a deal," said the Sindhi.

 "Can I confirm an appointment for my wife for tomorrow then?"