The important driver !

 

Many years ago, the Pope decided to visit New York. 

He is of course provided with a beautiful car and a dedicated driver to take him wherever he wishes to go. 

When the Pope sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course, anything!"

"Would you mind if I drove a little?" Asked the pope,
"I never get to and I'd really like to once again drive a little for myself."

The driver got scared, what if he let the pope get into an accident, but he couldn't say no to the pope, and so the pope took the wheel... and immediately started to speed up like a maniac!

After going 100 mph in a 45mph zone, a police car zooms in next to them and they are requested to stop. The police officer walks slowly to their car, looks at the window for a moment, and then quickly steps back to his car.

His sergeant got this call:

Cop: "Sir, I have a problem."

Sergeant: "What kind of problem?"

Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important."

Sergeant: "Important like the mayor?"

Cop: "No, no, a lot more important than that."

 

Sergeant: "Important like the governor?"

Cop: "Way more important than that."

Sergeant: "Important like the president??"

Cop: "Much more important."

Sergeant: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

A Jewish Salesman !

A  Jewish Salesman selling ties !

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. 

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. 

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?" 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." 

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!” 

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5." 

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!" 

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace." 

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill. 

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, 

"They won't let me in without a tie!”

Every problem has a solution !

A pilot was transporting a bunch of mad women from mumbai to a psychiatric facility in agra.

The mad women were making noise.
So, one of them entered the Pilot's Cabin;

MAD WOMAN: Teach me how to fly a plane!

PILOT: I would, but under one condition.

MAD WOMAN: What?

PILOT: If you can get your colleagues to keep quiet.
(5 minutes later, the plane was very quiet!
PILOT: Wow!! How did you get them to keep quiet?

MAD WOMAN: I opened the door and asked them to go play outside!!

 

It is a deal !

Bargaining.....

A Sindhi phones to a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"Rs850 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"Rs850!!! Don't you have anything cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"What about, if you just don't use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock Rs150 off.

"What about if you just use one of your dentist trainees and still  without anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the  price could drop to Rs400".

"How about if you make it a training' session, and one of your students  do the extraction while the other students watch and learn?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. " and

  it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you Rs50”.

"Now you‘re talking ! It's a deal," said the Sindhi.

 "Can I confirm an appointment for my wife for tomorrow then?"

Santa's Brains !

                                                                                              

   Santa's Brains !

 A frog asked Santa, `Do you have brains?'

  Santa replied, `Yes!'

   The frog said, `You don't!' and dived back into the pond. The aggrieved Santa asked, `So what's there to commit suicide over it?'                                                                                    

The pig with a wooden leg !

Pig With a Wooden Leg
A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg! 

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?" 

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year. 

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. 

"There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily." 

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?" 

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

A simple surgery !

The patient  was seen running  down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" someone asked him.


He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor.