Five Jokes.

1.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried a good mouthwash?"

2.

Teacher:"What is your name?".

Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.  

3.

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today. 
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly. 
Kid thought for a moment & said, ok forget it dad let's go to KFC

4.

A drunken guy falls from 1st floor. 
People gathered around and asked him what happened? 
He said... "I don’t know, I also came down Just now..!!" 

5.

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shakinghis head in disbelief.

"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

THE BLUE PIGEON

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London  was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It  was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements  clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to  the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or,  you can pay me one million pounds to ask one  question.' The  mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free  proposition.
The  next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and  released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and  flew up into the bright blue London  sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed  the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the  plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and  told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he  decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE  question. The  man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question. The  mayor asked:  'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"

Mysterious Phone Bill

Mysterious Phone Bill 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called for meeting

on a Sunday morning after breakfast

Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK, I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office,

But You too have to limit the use of the phone.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid

who until now is patiently listening to them.

Maid(un baffled): So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!

Moral: Sometimes we do something and never realize that its wrong, until someone does the same to us.

Name matters!

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says." unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"