Cheap tunnel !

When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of Pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.

"Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

"It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got TWO tunnels!"

Funny answers by students !

l The following questions were set in last year’s xamination  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasonsA. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formedA. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceansA. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist onA. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you ageA. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettesA. Premature death Q. How can you delay milk turning sourA. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                   Q. What is the fibula?A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean?                     A. Nearby                                                                       Asian answer! Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure?A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

How to break bad news?

The husband is on a weeklong business trip and gets a call from his wife,
...

"Hello, sweetheart!"
"Ah yes, darling, I'm busy. Is there a problem?"

"Um, I just called to tell you that the parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead ? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Dammed! That's pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh,well...How he died? "
"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Where did he get rotten meat?"
" He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horses? What dead horses?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, woman?"
"The one at our house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for ???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL ?!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her!”

JOB APPLICATION !

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.An Australian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.The manager went to Murphy and said, " Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Australian wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "

You put down, "Neither do I."

Project Manager !

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." 

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. 

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." 
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

 "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. 

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager..

Kulua Airlines' sense of humour.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 What a pity, Kulula doesn't fly internationally - we should support them if only for their humour - so typically south african.

Dieting !

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the lady returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The lady nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the lady. 

Funniest speech ever by an African President !

Funniest speech ever by an African President :

'My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen, before I undress you, let us open the windows for the climate to come inside!

I hereby thank you completely.. Mr. Queen, sir; and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.

We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely.

But before I go back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda so that we can also revenge on you.

You will eat a full cow and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of full stomach completely. Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.

'But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under gentlemen sir.

Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem..Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda.

With this few words I thank you Sir.

Normal Person !

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?"
"Well,"  he said, "we fill up a bathtub with water. Then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person, and tell them to empty the bathtub." 

 "Oh, I understand," I  said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is  bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the  window?"

Mass for the dog !

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Novice hunter !

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

X-Ray Results

X-Ray Results

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp 

This is a stick up !

A true story out of San Francisco:

 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. 

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. 

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

 Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 

Don't bother with giving this guy a sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

-

Darling,” said the husband to his wife, “I have invited my friend home for lunch.”

 

“What? Have you gone crazy? The house is totally messy.  I didn’t get

any grocery, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking any meal!”

 

“I know all that.”

 

“Then, why did you invite your friend?”

 

“Because the poor fellow is thinking about getting married.” 

 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE   Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in  Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."  Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

Late Blonde !

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

My car is better than yours?

My car is better than yours?

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

"Well, do you have a fax machine?"

The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out.

The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out.

"I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

The MG Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

 

 

Oh my son!

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Insect in a beer mug !

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions:

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out

American:Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets two new
mugs of beer. ......INTELLIGENT INDIANS

Pakistani:-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer

-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

Where are all the British?

A   Somalian arrives in  London as a  new immigrant to the  UK .

He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The  man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from  Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 

'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...

'Probably at work'

Normal Blonde.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, doctor?"

"Well, I might ask him... "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Five Jokes.

1.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried a good mouthwash?"

2.

Teacher:"What is your name?".

Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.  

3.

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today. 
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly. 
Kid thought for a moment & said, ok forget it dad let's go to KFC

4.

A drunken guy falls from 1st floor. 
People gathered around and asked him what happened? 
He said... "I don’t know, I also came down Just now..!!" 

5.

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shakinghis head in disbelief.

"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

THE BLUE PIGEON

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London  was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It  was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements  clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to  the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or,  you can pay me one million pounds to ask one  question.' The  mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free  proposition.
The  next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and  released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and  flew up into the bright blue London  sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed  the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the  plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and  told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he  decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE  question. The  man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question. The  mayor asked:  'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"

Mysterious Phone Bill

Mysterious Phone Bill 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called for meeting

on a Sunday morning after breakfast

Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK, I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office,

But You too have to limit the use of the phone.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid

who until now is patiently listening to them.

Maid(un baffled): So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!

Moral: Sometimes we do something and never realize that its wrong, until someone does the same to us.

Name matters!

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says." unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

The Scooter Key

One day evening  Santaji starts from office to home pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way…

Friend : Why are you pushing your scooter manually?


Santaji : I forgot to bring the scooter key from home.

Friend : Is it! then, how did you come to office from home in the morning?

Santaji : I was pushing my scooter from home to office in the morning also.

THE THINGS KIDS SAY

The Things Kids Say

The Things Kids Say

“Close the curtains,” requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.” 

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.” 

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.” 

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?” 

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.” 

Impressed by her 5-year-old’s vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.” 

His mom informed her son, Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy, he gulped, “You already have a son—me!” 

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, “Guess what? They are not only twins, they’re brothers!”

BE CAREFUL !

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husb...and came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

LIFE LONG AMBITION

Lifelong Ambition

 In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

  

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.

  

A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. 'You are a school teacher, eh?' said she.

  

'Madam, today, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times.'

WHAT IS FOR LUNCH?

What is for Lunch ?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde op! ened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch! , saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.!!!!!!