My car is better than yours?

My car is better than yours?

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

"Well, do you have a fax machine?"

The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out.

The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out.

"I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

The MG Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

 

 

Oh my son!

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Insect in a beer mug !

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions:

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out

American:Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets two new
mugs of beer. ......INTELLIGENT INDIANS

Pakistani:-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer

-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

Where are all the British?

A   Somalian arrives in  London as a  new immigrant to the  UK .

He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The  man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from  Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 

'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...

'Probably at work'

Normal Blonde.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, doctor?"

"Well, I might ask him... "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Five Jokes.

1.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried a good mouthwash?"

2.

Teacher:"What is your name?".

Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.  

3.

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today. 
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly. 
Kid thought for a moment & said, ok forget it dad let's go to KFC

4.

A drunken guy falls from 1st floor. 
People gathered around and asked him what happened? 
He said... "I don’t know, I also came down Just now..!!" 

5.

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shakinghis head in disbelief.

"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

THE BLUE PIGEON

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London  was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It  was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements  clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to  the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or,  you can pay me one million pounds to ask one  question.' The  mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free  proposition.
The  next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and  released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and  flew up into the bright blue London  sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed  the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the  plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and  told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he  decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE  question. The  man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question. The  mayor asked:  'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"