The phone rings !

The phone rings !

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

The Absent employee !

The boss  wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in  sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a  child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is  your  daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,'  whispered the small voice.

May I talk  with him?'

The child  whispered, ' No .'

Surprised  and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk  with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there  was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the Boss asked, 'Is anybody  else there?'

' Yes , '  whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering  what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, 'May I speak  with the policeman?'

' No, he's  busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing  what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more  worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the  phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A  helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is  going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering,  the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter’

Alarmed,  concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching  for?'

Still  whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

ME !

Three Women Are About to be Executed.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Cheap tunnel !

When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of Pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.

"Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

"It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got TWO tunnels!"

Funny answers by students !

l The following questions were set in last year’s xamination  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasonsA. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formedA. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceansA. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist onA. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you ageA. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettesA. Premature death Q. How can you delay milk turning sourA. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                   Q. What is the fibula?A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean?                     A. Nearby                                                                       Asian answer! Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure?A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

How to break bad news?

The husband is on a weeklong business trip and gets a call from his wife,
...

"Hello, sweetheart!"
"Ah yes, darling, I'm busy. Is there a problem?"

"Um, I just called to tell you that the parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead ? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Dammed! That's pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh,well...How he died? "
"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Where did he get rotten meat?"
" He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horses? What dead horses?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, woman?"
"The one at our house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for ???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL ?!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her!”

JOB APPLICATION !

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.An Australian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.The manager went to Murphy and said, " Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Australian wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "

You put down, "Neither do I."