That is confidence !

That is confidence !

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala,Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!

How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm call ing from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surro unded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

Do not mess with children !

Do not mess with children !

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

2

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

3

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

4

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you  hear the beep.

“beeeeeppp ....”

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need  us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want  to borrow the car, press 3

If you want  us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4

If you want  the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want  us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want  us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,  press 7

If you want  to come to eat here, press 8

If you need  money, press 9

If you are  going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, starttalking ....  we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

The phone rings !

The phone rings !

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

Cheap tunnel !

When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of Pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.

"Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

"It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got TWO tunnels!"

Project Manager !

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." 

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. 

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." 
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

 "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. 

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager..

Normal Person !

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?"
"Well,"  he said, "we fill up a bathtub with water. Then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person, and tell them to empty the bathtub." 

 "Oh, I understand," I  said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is  bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the  window?"

Mass for the dog !

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Novice hunter !

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

X-Ray Results

X-Ray Results

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp 

-

Darling,” said the husband to his wife, “I have invited my friend home for lunch.”

 

“What? Have you gone crazy? The house is totally messy.  I didn’t get

any grocery, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking any meal!”

 

“I know all that.”

 

“Then, why did you invite your friend?”

 

“Because the poor fellow is thinking about getting married.” 

 

Where are all the British?

A   Somalian arrives in  London as a  new immigrant to the  UK .

He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The  man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from  Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 

'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...

'Probably at work'

Normal Blonde.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, doctor?"

"Well, I might ask him... "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

THE BLUE PIGEON

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London  was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It  was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements  clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to  the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or,  you can pay me one million pounds to ask one  question.' The  mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free  proposition.
The  next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and  released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and  flew up into the bright blue London  sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed  the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the  plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and  told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he  decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE  question. The  man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question. The  mayor asked:  'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"

Mysterious Phone Bill

Mysterious Phone Bill 

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called for meeting

on a Sunday morning after breakfast

Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK, I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office,

But You too have to limit the use of the phone.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid

who until now is patiently listening to them.

Maid(un baffled): So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!

Moral: Sometimes we do something and never realize that its wrong, until someone does the same to us.

Name matters!

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says." unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

The Scooter Key

One day evening  Santaji starts from office to home pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way…

Friend : Why are you pushing your scooter manually?


Santaji : I forgot to bring the scooter key from home.

Friend : Is it! then, how did you come to office from home in the morning?

Santaji : I was pushing my scooter from home to office in the morning also.

THE THINGS KIDS SAY

The Things Kids Say

The Things Kids Say

“Close the curtains,” requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.” 

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.” 

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.” 

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?” 

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.” 

Impressed by her 5-year-old’s vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.” 

His mom informed her son, Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy, he gulped, “You already have a son—me!” 

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, “Guess what? They are not only twins, they’re brothers!”

BE CAREFUL !

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husb...and came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

LIFE LONG AMBITION

Lifelong Ambition

 In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

  

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.

  

A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. 'You are a school teacher, eh?' said she.

  

'Madam, today, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times.'