THE Blonde Joke !

This isn't just another Blonde Joke...it's probably THE Blonde Joke..

The rich blonde,

Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day,

but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a

week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a

technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde

and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:

"You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?

I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

Do not mess with children !

Do not mess with children !

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

2

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

3

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

4

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you  hear the beep.

“beeeeeppp ....”

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need  us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want  to borrow the car, press 3

If you want  us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4

If you want  the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want  us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want  us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,  press 7

If you want  to come to eat here, press 8

If you need  money, press 9

If you are  going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, starttalking ....  we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

This dog !

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend." He can't swim.

The phone rings !

The phone rings !

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

The Absent employee !

The boss  wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in  sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a  child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is  your  daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,'  whispered the small voice.

May I talk  with him?'

The child  whispered, ' No .'

Surprised  and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk  with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there  was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the Boss asked, 'Is anybody  else there?'

' Yes , '  whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering  what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, 'May I speak  with the policeman?'

' No, he's  busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing  what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more  worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the  phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A  helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is  going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering,  the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter’

Alarmed,  concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching  for?'

Still  whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

ME !

Three Women Are About to be Executed.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"