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Darling,” said the husband to his wife, “I have invited my friend home for lunch.”

 

“What? Have you gone crazy? The house is totally messy.  I didn’t get

any grocery, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking any meal!”

 

“I know all that.”

 

“Then, why did you invite your friend?”

 

“Because the poor fellow is thinking about getting married.” 

 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE   Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in  Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."  Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

Late Blonde !

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

My car is better than yours?

My car is better than yours?

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

"Well, do you have a fax machine?"

The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out.

The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out.

"I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

The MG Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

 

 

Oh my son!

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Insect in a beer mug !

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions:

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out

American:Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets two new
mugs of beer. ......INTELLIGENT INDIANS

Pakistani:-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer

-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

Where are all the British?

A   Somalian arrives in  London as a  new immigrant to the  UK .

He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The  man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from  Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 

'Where are all the British?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...

'Probably at work'