How to identify the city you are in !

How to identify the city you are in...

 

Scenario 1: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on...
That's MUMBAI.

 

Scenario 2: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up...
That's DELHI.

 

Scenario 3: Two guys fighting and third guy comes from a nearby house and says, "Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else."
That's PUNE.

 

Scenario 4: Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there.
That's AHEMDABAD.

 

Scenario 5: Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are in PUNJAB.

 

Scenario 6: Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them.
You are in WASSEYPUR.

 

Last Scenario: Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends.
You are definitely in GOA.

Ignorance is a bliss ...err... blessing !

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community.

 

If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay.

 

If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

 

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one condition to the debate - neither side would be allowed to talk.

 

The Pope agreed.

 

The day of the great debate came.

 

Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

 

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

 

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

 

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Harbinder pulled out an apple.

 

The Pope stood up and said,
"I give up. This man is too Good. The Sikhs can stay."

 

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

 

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

 

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

 

Then,

 

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

 

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

 

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh.

 

"What happened?" they asked.

 

"Well," said Harbinder,

 

"First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here.
I told him not one of us was leaving.

 

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs.
I let him know that we were staying right here."

 

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

 

"I don't know", said Harbinder,
"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"

See the Guts !!!

On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different nations were traveling with their Trainee guys.

They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts.

The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take ONE round swimming around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!"

Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take TWO similar rounds around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, "See the guts!"

Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take THREE similar rounds.

The Trainee promptly replied, "Why the hell should I???"

The Indian PM proudly said, "See the guts!"   

Missing Husband !

Missing Husband

 A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:

Lady: I lost my Husband

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eye?

Lady: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: suit/casuals I dont remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot  thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together. And the lady started crying..

Inspector: Lets search for the dog first!!!!!!!

 

THE Blonde Joke !

This isn't just another Blonde Joke...it's probably THE Blonde Joke..

The rich blonde,

Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day,

but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a

week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a

technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde

and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:

"You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?

I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

Do not mess with children !

Do not mess with children !

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

2

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

3

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

4

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE !!!!!

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you  hear the beep.

“beeeeeppp ....”

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need  us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want  to borrow the car, press 3

If you want  us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4

If you want  the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want  us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want  us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,  press 7

If you want  to come to eat here, press 8

If you need  money, press 9

If you are  going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, starttalking ....  we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"