Getting Into Big Trouble! !

Getting Into Big Trouble!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help. The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"

 

Professor Einstein !

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees lookingunder his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am.
What I don't know is where I'm going.'

Job interview !

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." 

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" 

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?" 

Its a traffic jam !

Its a traffic jam .

A police officer knocked the door.

 

For what reason this traffic jam is for? Asked the driver.

 

Terrorist has kidnapped the Politicians. Police Officer replied.

 

They’re asking for 1,000 crores of Rupees as ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to ablaze them all in petrol and set them on fire. Due to which we’re going from car to car collecting donations.

“How much is everyone contributing, on average?” Driver asks.

 

Roughly two liters. The Police Officer replied.

3 Blondes !

The Blond Detective Exam 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!

Life is like that !

1

"Seance For A Waiter"
Six months after the waiter died, his widow 
went to see a medium, who promised she 
would contact the dead man. 

During the seance, the widow was sure 
she saw her husband standing in the 
corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and 
speak to me!" 

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, 
"I can't. It's not my table."

2

"Air Conditioner"
A customer was continually bothering the waiter 
in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air 
conditioning be turned  up because he was too 
hot, then he asked it be turned down because 
he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he 
walked back and forth and never once got 
angry. So finally, a second customer asked 
him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.  
"We don't even have an air conditioner." 

Chinese Jews !

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

Seeking Charity...

  

A big, burly man knocked on the door of the pastor's house one day and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman known for her charity work and her love for the poor and helpless.

The woman opened the door and saw the man had tears streaming down his face.

"oh, whatever is the matter?" She cried out.

"I come to you today, dear woman, for the purposes of doing charity and good work." Said the man in a hopeless voice.

"Come in, come in!" The woman admitted him inside and they sat in her living room.

begging

"Madam," said the man in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.