My dog doesn't bite !

One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then, the dog bit the mailman.

"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but this is not my dog."

Cheap air fares !

NEW LOW COST AIRLINE RULES!

Attendant: Welcome aboard A la Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: Crying out loud.... All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory!!!.

Pig on the road !

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Her tears are real !

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.. Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law. Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot. The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss. Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law? " to which she replied, V V "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Talking to God!

Talking to God!

Teacher fell asleep in class and Little Johnny walked up to him. 

Little Johnny, "Teacher are you sleeping in class?" 

Teacher, "No I am not sleeping in class."

Little Johnny, "What were you doing sir ?" 

Teacher, "I was talking to God."

The next day Little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him... 

Teacher, "Johnny, you are sleeping in my class." 

Little Johnny, "No not me sir, I am not sleeping."

Angry teacher, "What were you doing.??" 

Little Johnny, "I was talking to God."

Angry teacher, "What did He say??" 

Little Johnny, "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."

How to identify the city you are in !

How to identify the city you are in...

 

Scenario 1: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on...
That's MUMBAI.

 

Scenario 2: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up...
That's DELHI.

 

Scenario 3: Two guys fighting and third guy comes from a nearby house and says, "Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else."
That's PUNE.

 

Scenario 4: Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there.
That's AHEMDABAD.

 

Scenario 5: Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are in PUNJAB.

 

Scenario 6: Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them.
You are in WASSEYPUR.

 

Last Scenario: Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends.
You are definitely in GOA.

Ignorance is a bliss ...err... blessing !

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community.

 

If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay.

 

If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

 

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one condition to the debate - neither side would be allowed to talk.

 

The Pope agreed.

 

The day of the great debate came.

 

Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

 

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

 

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

 

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Harbinder pulled out an apple.

 

The Pope stood up and said,
"I give up. This man is too Good. The Sikhs can stay."

 

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

 

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

 

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

 

Then,

 

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

 

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

 

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh.

 

"What happened?" they asked.

 

"Well," said Harbinder,

 

"First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here.
I told him not one of us was leaving.

 

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs.
I let him know that we were staying right here."

 

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

 

"I don't know", said Harbinder,
"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"