Mass for the dog !

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Novice hunter !

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

X-Ray Results

X-Ray Results

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp 

This is a stick up !

A true story out of San Francisco:

 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. 

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. 

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

 Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 

Don't bother with giving this guy a sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

-

Darling,” said the husband to his wife, “I have invited my friend home for lunch.”

 

“What? Have you gone crazy? The house is totally messy.  I didn’t get

any grocery, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking any meal!”

 

“I know all that.”

 

“Then, why did you invite your friend?”

 

“Because the poor fellow is thinking about getting married.” 

 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE   Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in  Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."  Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

Late Blonde !

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"