Chinese Jews !

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

Seeking Charity...

  

A big, burly man knocked on the door of the pastor's house one day and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman known for her charity work and her love for the poor and helpless.

The woman opened the door and saw the man had tears streaming down his face.

"oh, whatever is the matter?" She cried out.

"I come to you today, dear woman, for the purposes of doing charity and good work." Said the man in a hopeless voice.

"Come in, come in!" The woman admitted him inside and they sat in her living room.

begging

"Madam," said the man in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

A Blonde in a flight !

A Plane is on its way t o Chandigarh, when Gurpreet in Economy Class gets
up, and moves to the First Class section and sits down. .The flight
attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket she then tells
Gurpreet,that she paid for economy class,and that she will have to sit
in the back.

Gurpreet replies,"I’m Blonde,I ’m beautiful,I ’m going to Chandigarh
and I’m staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a Blonde sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Gurpreet and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
Gurpreet replies,"I’m Blonde,I’m beautiful,I’m going to Chandigarh
and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot
The pilot says,"You say she is a Blonde?I'll handle this;I am married
to a Blonde.I speak Girly Blonde language."

He goes back to Gurpreet and whispers in her ear,and she says,
"Oh,I’m sorry."
and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her,
"First Class is Not Going to Chandigarh.".

Engineers ! Excuse me !

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber. He again refuses to take the money.

The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......

A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

Ten men and a woman !

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, as

otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping. .

The magical watch with 128 bit processor !

 There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport  terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The  gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his  watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

 He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a  smile!

 The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

 He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

 "It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

 The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

 The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

 The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch.

How to Kill a Lion !

How to Kill a Lion !

Cognizant Method:

hire a lion… ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

give him 65 gobi to eat again and again.

hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

however give them the same amount  65 gobi to eat

hire 200 more……. and more …….

TCS Method:

hire a lion

give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM’s method:

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour …

he dies of unemployment…

Syntel Method:-

Hire a Cat …

assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and

make sure that he never reaches onsite.

Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion….

MBT Method:

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn’t score 60% he will lose the job.

lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex Method:

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari

for implementing Flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes

alive he will get band movement (promotion)

holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

hire a lion .

tell him to merge with goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance…

lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat….

Polaris Method :

hire ..sorry….purchase a lion(COSL) ..

change his timings…(instead of 9 AM …change it to 8:30 AM )

cut down his allowance (coupons etc)

lion dies from fear of becoming CAT…..

Capgemini Method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat…

the lion dies before joining….

Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,

give him a mail Id.

he will die recieving stupid mails all day……..!!!!

HUAWEI Method:

Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion…

Give him work of 3 Lions

Tell him to work late and even on weekends…

No time for food and family, automatically die

Accenture Method:

Hire a lion….

Take his CAMS assignment 2 times a year followed by Performance appraisals.

Ask him for lots of My Leanings on line …

Send him to Chennai/HYD/BLG;but yes don’t give him/her his/her home town.

Ask him to stay on bench for a long time or Give him/her projects .

No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls Only Attitude of HR girls.

And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".

Lion dies in confusion iif he is aTiger or lion……

The Last But Not The Least 

Infosys Method:

Hire a lion…..

Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like

…………………………………………….king of the jungle! J

Make him take generic compeer exam …lion turns into cat

Make him take stream compeer exam …cat turns into a mouse

Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he learned in training

….mouse runs here and there for help!!!

Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications ……….mouse commits suicide… :-) :-)  :-)